Now That You're Gone
by Carmen Maria
Summary: stars, moonlight, blood and Hotohori. watch out for suicide


/*Monday night, and I feel so alone

I count the hours, but the go so slow/

It was night again. The sun had fallen in the west, leaving the world without warmth of light until morning. Now all that remained was darkness and shadows. Most of the palace was sleeping, tired after a hard day's night. Yet I, Emperor Hotohori, was still awake. Sleep, it seems, is not a gift bestowed upon me. Every night I wait for dawn, when I can fill my head with distractions. For as soon as the day is done, I think of you. You, whose love I rejected so cruelly and so thoughtlessly. You, whose beauty and grace defies all logic and rules. You, who I now long for with all my being, my heart, my soul. Oh, Nuriko. You're lost to me forever now.

/I know the sound of your voice

Can save my soul/

I am probably the richest man in Konan. I could afford to buy anything I wanted and more. But I would give everything up, down to the last copper coin, to see your face. I would leave the palace and become a beggar on the street just to know you were safe, even if you weren't with me. I would die happy if only to have one more day. One more day to tell you how I feel, to say those three precious words and hear them back again. Oh, to hear your voice! The playful tones you would tease us with. The gentle words with which gave encouragement and hope.. I don't think I ever heard you sing. What I wouldn't give to listen to you.

/City lights, streets of gold

look out my window to the world below/

Quickly, I stand up and walk out to the balcony. I need cold air to clear my thoughts. In the distance, I can see the bright lights of the Konan night life, the joyous party-goers who dance the night away. I envy them. They lead happy, carefree lives, going from one year to the next with hardly a thought. I turn my eyes away from the city. I feel like an outsider, unable to enjoy the warmth of the festival. Instead my gaze travels to the sky; the bright moon illuminating the earth, making the stone walls glow faintly. The stars twinkle merrily, clearly visible against the heavens. A beautiful night by all accounts. I hate it.

/Moves so fast and it feels so cold

and I'm all alone/

Ever since Nuriko left to go with Miaka to find the Shinzaho, life seemed different. I never noticed how many couples there were in Konan. You saw them every time you looked around. Holding hands, sharing a meal, even stealing a kiss. I think that's when I started to realize the truth. I loved you. And how bitterly I regret all the times I turned you away, all the times you looked at me with longing and I ignored you. How stupid could I be?! Whirling around, I ran back inside. I don't deserve you, Nuriko. How could I hope to have you even if you were…still alive. The thought that had been haunting me for months came barreling back. You were gone, gone forever. And you were never coming back. I had lost my only hope of true happiness, all because I was too blind, too ignorant, too vain to know what I felt! It is too late now. Nuriko, I am lost without you.

/Don't let me die, I'm losing my mind

and baby just give me a sign/

I truly believe that I always needed Nuriko. He was my stabeling presence, he gave meaning to my life in a way no one else could, not even Miaka. How I curse my own stupidity, my own arrogance! You would've done anything for me! Why didn't I know then what I know now?! I was given the love of a lifetime, and I threw it away! I turned around and caught sight of my face in the mirror. My hair was disheveled, my forehead had broken out in a sweat, and my eyes glistened with unshed tears. Even through that, I knew I still looked beautiful. It was disgusting. I don't WANT it anymore! I just want you back! I picked up the nearest object to me and hurled it at the mirror. The glass shards fell to the floor, and I was spared the humiliation of my reflection. I just want to see you one more time.

/And now that you're gone, I just wanna be with you

And I can't go on, I just wanna be with you/

I dropped to my knees, not caring that the glass shards cut my skin. Bowing my head and bracing my hands on the floor, I let the floodgates open. Tears coursed down my cheeks and violent sobs racked my body. "Nuriko; Nuriko, come back. I love you, oh Nuriko!" 

Once started, I couldn't seem to stop. It was one of the few times on my life that I let myself go. "Nuriko, I miss you! Suzaku, how I miss you! I feel like there's a part of me missing, gone forever. I'll never see you again! Please come back. I can't live without you! I love you so much! NURIKO!

/I can't sleep, I'm up all night

through these tears, I try to smile/

And as I knelt there among the moonlight and broken glass, an idea began to form in my head. A terrible idea. Maybe there is a way to stay close to you, my love. With trembling and bloody hands, I picked up a shard of glass. It was long, thin, and had a wicked point. The word for what I was contemplating blared across my mind. Suicide. So final, so absolute. The end to everything. No more pain, no more guilt, no more loneliness. I would never be alone again. Was it worth it? What did I have worth living for anyway? Even as sthe tears coursed down, I attempted to smile. What did I have to live for? All my life I've been searching for love, and found it only after that one person, the most important person, was gone. What was left?

/I know the touch of you hand

can save my life/

As I lay there, my mink treading farther down the darkest path, I thought of what you would do if you were here. It you were standing before me, hearing me contemplate suicide. You would beg me not to, because you love me. Loved me. Well, my Nuriko, it's too late for that. The only thing that can save me is you. The only lifeline I have left is gone, attainable in only one way. Nuriko, I'm so sorry but it's all I have. You're all I have. I can't go on like this, living a false life, a half life. I need you, more than anything I've ever needed before. You're the only way I can save myself from madness. For that's what will happen if I stay here; I'll lose my grip on sanity completely. I'll fall into the abyss, to be lost forever in the darkness.

/Don't let me die, come to me now

I've got to be with you somehow/

That thought decided it. After all, it wasn't really a choice, was it? To stay here, live out the rest of my days filled with loneliness and grief, with the possibility of madness looming on the dark horizon. Or to die, and be with Nuriko forever. To finally be able to express all the feelings inside me. Nuriko, I'm coming. I'm coming to your side. And once I'm there I'll never leave again. Never. Nuriko, I love you more than you'll ever know. Ineed to see you somehow, to know you're safe. I'm so sorry, but it's the only way.

/And now that you're gone, I just wanna be with you

and I can't go on, I wanna be with you/

The broken glass glittered seductively from the floor. Yes, now is the time. I picked up the shard by my side. Slowly, I pressed the sharp point to my wrist. My pulse was strong, the vein pumping life into my body. I was alive and healthy, and Nuriko was gone. And my love for Nuriko, the most beautiful person who ever lived, drove the cold glass into my pale flesh. For an instant, the feeling was akin to pleasure, before the terrible pain ripped it's way down my arm. It was such a shock that I dropped the piece of the mirror, and collapsed from my kneeling position to be sprawled out onto the floor. My head fell next to a large piece of glass. The stars were reflected in all their icy glory, and there were crimson drops scattered across the surface. My life's blood was mingling with heaven's tears.

~owari~

ok, peoples, what did you think? The spell check wasn't working, but I think I got most of it fixed. It was my first try for a real fic, so tell me what I did wrong. I'm pretty sure I messed something up. Oh, well. 


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